If you're reading this article, you're likely grieving the loss of a pet -- I see you, I've been there, I'm sorry. Pet loss is so hard. The bond that we share with our pets is profound and unique. In this article we'll explore what makes pet loss so difficult and ways to cope and care for yourself as you navigate this heartache.
Why is pet loss so hard?
Pet loss is so hard because our animal companions are often more than pets – they’re our friends, children, family members. They offer unconditional love, and they’re a comforting presence when we need it most.
As you navigate your grief, it can be helpful to recognize the factors that might be impacting how you're experiencing your loss. These might include your degree of caretaking for your pet, the companionship they provided, major life events that occurred while you had your pet, and the depth of your relationship with them. Pet loss is really hard. Be gentle with yourself, and give yourself the time and space to grieve without judgment.
Why does pet loss hurt so much?
The grief we feel when a pet passes away sometimes goes beyond emotional pain. You may experience physical symptoms such as tightness in your chest, a heavy feeling in your stomach, or fatigue. These sensations are a reflection of the emotional weight of the loss. Notice them, describe them, and connect with yourself in these moments. By doing so, you may find that, little by little, healing is happening, even if it feels slow.
What is the human-animal bond?
The human-animal bond is a term used to describe the deep, reciprocal relationship between humans and animals which often involves mutual affection, trust, and companionship. For many people, pets become confidants, sources of emotional support, and cherished family members. Additionally, research shows that interacting with animals can reduce stress levels, lower blood pressure, and increase the release of oxytocin which is a hormone associated with bonding and love. On the flip side, pets rely on their human companions for care, security, and affection, creating a unique relationship rooted in mutual dependence and unconditional love.
How can I cope with pet loss?
Coping with pet loss is deeply personal. Some people find it healing to memorialize their pet in meaningful ways -- be it through looking at and sharing photos of their pet, creating artwork inspired by their pet, or making donations in their pet's honor. Others find comfort in leaning on community -- that might look like talking with friends and family about their loss, joining a more formal pet loss support group, or finding an online community of individuals sharing their own grief journeys.
If you've tried some of these things and your grief still feels overwhelming, you may find it helpful to work with a therapist trained in grief and bereavement who can support you in processing your feelings and finding ways to heal.
Reflective Questions To Ask Yourself When Grieving
While completing my training to become a therapist at New York University (NYU), I took a course on pet loss and bereavement taught by Dr. Susan Dowd Stone, author of the book Mourning Companion Animals: Guiding Clients from Loss to Legacy. One of my key takeaways from this course was Dr. Dowd Stone's Animal Companion Bereavement Questionnaire. These questions are intended to be explored with a therapist who can help you to process your grief and honor your pet's memory.
How did your pet initially come into your life?
How would you describe your relationship with your pet? Like a friend, child, family member, or a comforting presence?
Did you talk out loud to your pet? Did they seem to understand your feelings?
How was your relationship with this pet different from your relationship with other animals? Are you surprised by the extent of your grieving?
What special qualities did your pet have? And what special qualities did your pet bring out in you?
What was your pet's name? Did you have any other nicknames for them?
Where did your pet eat? Where did they sleep?
How long was your pet in your life? Did any important life events occur during that time?
How much time did you spend with your pet? All day? Evenings? Weekends? Did your pet travel with you?
How did your pet die? Was it sudden or the result of a chronic illness, accident, or unrecognized health issue? Was your pet healthy or ill most of their life?
What was your degree of caretaking for your pet?
Have you shared your grief with anyone? What was their response?
Does your grief make sense to you? Did you expect to feel this bereaved by the loss of your pet?
Is your grief alienating you from other family members or friends due to its duration and/or intensity?
If you chose to euthanize your pet, were you present? What factors influenced your decision to euthanize? Are you at peace with that decision? Do you have images of that experience which feel difficult to manage?
What are some of your most memorable experiences with your pet?
Has your view of animals changed as a result of having this pet in your life?
Can pet loss cause depression?
Yes, pet loss can cause depression. That said, it’s important to note that grieving is a natural response to loss and is not the same as clinical depression. Feelings of emptiness and loss are normal symptoms of grief. Typically these feelings will come in waves and are tied to thoughts or reminders of the loved one that you lost. Difficulty sleeping and trouble concentrating are also normal symptoms of grief.
While there is some overlap between grief and depression, grief tends to be tied to specific memories or thoughts of your pet, whereas depression can feel more pervasive and constant. If you’re struggling with prolonged sadness, lack of interest or pleasure in daily activities, or feelings of worthlessness, consider reaching out to a mental health professional. That said, you don't need to be depressed to seek professional support for your grieving. Sometimes, having a safe space to process your loss can make a world of difference.
Can pet loss be traumatic?
Yes, losing a pet can absolutely be traumatic. For example, losing a pet due to an accident or natural disaster, not being able to afford life saving veterinary care, having to make the difficult decision to euthanize a pet, or losing a pet due to a sudden and unexpected illness can all be sources of emotional trauma.
It's important that you process these traumatic aspects of losing a pet. Avoidance can delay the start of your grieving process, which may complicate your grieving in the long run. If you find yourself involuntarily re-experiencing a traumatic event surrounding the loss of your pet (for example, intrusive memories of your dog being hit by a car), you should consider working with a therapist who can help you to navigate your emotions and process trauma, so that you can begin to heal.
How can I find a therapist to help me process the loss of my beloved pet?
You can use therapy search engines, like Psychology Today, to find therapists who specialize in grief, bereavement, and/or pet loss. Additionally, if the loss of your pet was traumatic for you, you might want to look for an EMDR therapist that specializes in pet loss -- EMDR is a type of therapy that is highly effective in helping people to process traumatic experiences.
Your veterinarian may also be able to provide you with a list of therapists that they recommend, and some veterinarians offer support groups. For example, the Animal Medical Center of New York and Michigan State's Veterinary Medical Center both offer free online support groups.
What can I say to comfort a loved one who is grieving the loss of a pet?
It can be hard to see a loved one grieving, and even harder to know what to say. Focus on providing empathy and on validating your loved one's experience. Try saying something like:
“I’m so sorry for your loss. [Pet’s name] was such a special part of your life.”
“I know how much [Pet’s name] meant to you. I’m here if you want to talk or share memories.”
Avoid the urge to fix your loved one's grief, which while well intentioned can come across as minimizing their feelings. Instead, focus on simply being present and offering a listening ear. Grief is a personal journey, and sometimes the best comfort comes from knowing someone cares and acknowledges the depth of your loss.
What should I say or write in a condolence letter to someone dealing with pet loss?
It can be hard to find the words to comfort someone dealing with a loss. Start by acknowledging the person’s loss and the special bond they shared with their pet. For example:
"I was heartbroken to hear about [Pet’s name]. They were such a wonderful companion and brought so much joy to your life."
After that, let them know that they can lean on you during this difficult time, whether it’s through conversation, acts of service, or even a distraction. For example:
"Please know that I’m thinking of you and am here if you need anything -- from [one way they can lean on you] to [another way they can lean on you]."
You can also include a specific memory of their pet or something you admired about their relationship, such as:
"I’ll always remember how [Pet’s name] lit up whenever you came into the room. They were so lucky to have you, just as you were lucky to have them."
How can I explain pet loss to my child?
Dr. Becky Kennedy, clinical psychologist and founder of the Good Inside parenting method, has a step-by-step guide for talking with children about hard truths. I think that it's a great format to use when discussing pet loss with children. The steps are as follows:
Start slow
Don't be vague; use real words
Check in about feelings
Don't feel like you need to have all of the answers; learn together over time
Tolerate discomfort; avoid the impulse to tie things up neatly
This might look like:
"Hi honey, I want to talk with you about something that you might have big feelings about."
"Spot died last night. That means his body stopped working."
"How are you feeling? It's okay to feel sad. I'm right here with you."
"Why is mama crying? I'm sad too. I miss Spot... and when I'm sad, sometimes I cry. But it's very important that you know that even when I'm sad I can still take care of you."
"Honey, it's okay to cry. Tears tell us our body is having an important reaction. I'm right here with you."
Remember, when talking with your child about pet loss the key is connection. Resist the urge to tie things up neatly or avoid feelings of sadness. Instead, allow your child to have an authentic reaction, while reminding them that you're there to help them navigate big feelings and hard times.
Frequently Asked Questions (FAQs) About Grief
Q: How long does grief last?
A: Grief is different for everyone. It’s important to give yourself permission to feel and heal at your own pace, without pressure to move on by a certain time. That said, if you find that your grief is overwhelming or interfering with your daily life, then therapy help you to navigate your emotions and process your grief in a healthy way.
Q: Is it normal to grieve a pet more than a person?
A: It can be. The bond we share with our a pet is unique and unconditional, making their loss deeply personal. Be gentle with yourself.
Q: Is it normal to feel guilty after the loss of a pet?
A: Yes, guilt is a common emotion that many people experience after losing a pet. You might find yourself questioning if you could have done more or feeling responsible for your pet's passing. If you're having trouble processing the guilt on your own, therapy can help you find ways to cope with and process the emotional complexity of the loss.
Q: Should I get another pet right away?
A: The decision to get another pet is a personal one. Some people feel that they want to grieve their loss before getting another pet, while others feel that getting another pet will help them grieve their loss.
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Therapy for Pet Loss in Brooklyn, Manhattan, and Online
Losing a pet is never easy. The grief that you feel is a reflection of the deep bond you shared. Take time to honor their memory and be kind to yourself as you grieve. Remember, you’re not alone, and support is always available -- I offer therapy for pet loss in Brooklyn, Manhattan, and online. Feel free to contact me if you're based in New York and are looking for support during this difficult time.
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